i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
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