I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
