I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
