God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
