Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Randomize
