WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
