Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
