I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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