Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
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