dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
