This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
