new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
