Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
My dick has a subreddit
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize