I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
