I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
