two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
we're making bets on your personal life
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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