well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Just cropdusted the office
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
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