Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Randomize
