Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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