I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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