i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
