My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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