i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Randomize
