My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
