So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
