if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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