I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize
