i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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