Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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