is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
