Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
You need Xanax blowdarts
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
You ruined the universe
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Randomize
