Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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