I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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