yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
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