I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Randomize
