Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
