I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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