So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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