1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize
