I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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