just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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