I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
