what day is it and did you see me today?
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
