there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Randomize
