remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
foreskin is a definite game changer
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
