wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
