OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
