I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
