Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
