Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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