i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
