She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
