Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Randomize
