Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
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