Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Well apparently he's into motor boating.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
