I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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