just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
