The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
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