May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize