This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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