I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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